I was serving in N2 just now. N2 is my church's nursery for children age 1 1/2 to 3 - a place for parents to place them so that they'll be undisturbed during service. There's also N1 - age 0 to 1 1/2, and N3 - age 3 to 4.

I was quite reluctant to serve in N2 (as always), because I don't know how to handle them! I can't talk to them like how I talk to a 4 year old, and they don't understand anything I say! Darn. When I was in Penang, I served in the Jr Cids ministry, which was for children 4 to 6 years old. I am not a person who goes "a-gu-gu!!! So cute!!!" *pinch cheek* person. It took me awhile to get used to them. But 2 1/2!? I don't know what they want, and it's worse when they cry. Darn. It'll take me ages.

Anyway, probably because I subconsciously am relunctant to serve, I woke up late today (and I mean very late), and had doubts about whether I should go anyway. My cell leader smsed me and persuaded me to go, and so, I obediently went.

Once I reached, I was handed over a girl who needed someone to carry in order for her to hush. She was okay with me carrying her; she didn't reject me, but cried on and off. Throughout the whole session, I carried her. At a point in time, I was quite tired, and wanted to hand her over to another helper, but I decided that I don't want to trouble others...For 1 hour, she cried, wailed, sniffed...my whole left shoulder and part of my hair was wet after that.

I kinda knew what she wanted through the way she was clinging onto my neck and kicking my tummy. She wanted someone to carry, and so I did. But at times, I thought that she went overboard - other kids were listening to the teacher, some were playing, but at least there were okay by themselves! She was still clinging onto me! I wanted to discipline her, so at times, I refused to carry her.

I was quite tired after caring for her for 1 hour. Throughout the time, it brought me to ponder about loads of things from a mum's perspective...I remember when I was young, my mum said that I was so naughty, that even my maid, who was presumably quite patient, got fed up with me, and placed me outside my condo to let me cry and wail. Now I understand what she means. I mean, why can't that child stop crying? Others can! When comparison comes in, it kills the love.

It is also physically exhausting caring for a young child...you need to know what the child wants, and that may take some time. After you know, you need to ponder whether you wanna give it to him/her because you don't wanna spoil the child...when he/she cries, you have to carry him/her, maybe for hours before she falls asleep and stops crying.

My response towards the child in N2 is a learned response. I was glad that I wasn't treating her like how I remembered my mum treated me, but I also learnt that my love for her had a limit. I have to let God use me and give me strength to love her. The part about my learned response is that some how I was taught that you have to let the child to be independent, and not always give in to whatever he/she wants. That's why I refused to carry her, even when I knew what she wanted. I think that was how my mum treated me. Now I know why some mum's want their children to be independent. It was how they were taught to be.

I think a lot of strength, care and love is needed to be a mum...I would have to depend a lot on God for strength to love my own child!