I was wondering to myself this past 2 days: What if I screwed up a major examination, ie SPM, HSC or my uni exams?

What triggered me to think about this is because of a friend. A used-to-be very close friend of mind, who's currently going through a lot, in my opinion.

All along, since primary school, I've always been in the top class. And my friends who manage to stay along side with me, maintaining their grades to be in the top class are all furthering their education now, in some way or another.

I think generally, most of us make the decision to further our studies ourselves. Whether it is a decision fully decided by ourselves or a decision that was made after loads of advice, we still made the decision. Whether of not we like the choice that we made, we still made that decision. To further our studies in whatever field we are, be it business, finance, engineering, science, medicine...

But what if, I screwed up a major examination like SPM? What if after all the hard work I put in, I still failed certain subjects, subjects that I was suppose to score, like English, English for Science and Technology, and Pure Math?

I think I would feel very dejected, in abyssmal, that I wouldn't have the courage to look up to God, to get support and encouragement from Him. I think wouldn't have the courage to tell my friends my results, and would be angry at myself at first, and then I might fear myself, afraid that I may make another stupid decision. The decision to study hard. I think I wouldn't dare tell my parent's my results, because it is not glorifying at all. I think I will hate myself for awhile, and retract and keep myself to myself.

And knowing myself, I would probably give up the chance to further my studies, even if I had the opportunity to. I would be afraid to make the decision to study. Because when I made a decision to study hard before, it failed. My decision was a wrong one. A lousy one.

To think about it, whenever I make a bad decision on minor issues in life, I would not make the same decision anymore if I face the same circumstances. I would be scared to fail, scared to face the feeling of being a failure, of failing to meet the expectations of others. I would feel unworthy. Not as smart as others.

I'm so far very lucky to have done well enough to progress through the next stage in life. None of my major decisions so far have led into failure. Thank God.

I know that I would become a stronger person if I overcome the bad decisions I make, but I have yet to be able to handle the degrading feeling of the consequences of a bad decision. Guess time will tell how I'll react...