The church was big and wide. The hall was dark but was lit with bright colours. It has been almost a year since I stepped into a church that had disco-like lighting – purple, red and blue, all shining brightly at the same time. There was just enough light to see the vague shadows of Galvin and Rebekah, who were sitting on my left and right.

There were other people streaming into the hall behind us as we took out seats. The hall was approximately half filled then. Although it was dark, I could vaguely see that there were many black heads within the crowd. The church service predominantly attracts and serves a younger crowd. Those who had more white hair than black may have felt out of place. Incidentally, I felt a greater sense of belonging to the latter crowd. Perhaps I have not aged through the colour of my hair but in my outlook in life. I feel more at home in a well-lit hall and with coherent piano and guitar notes. Perhaps a Methodist church or a small independent church.

The show started and the music was too loud. So loud, that my heart started to thump at the beat of the music. I didn’t question whether these people were playing to fit the current-day drum-electric guitar band culture or to worship God, because I know regardless of the sound levels, I know that the singers on stage were sincere about their faith.

I did not doubt them because I was at that stage of my life once.

I used to attend a church that played modern band-like music. Two songs that had quicker beats were played first, followed by two songs with a slow tempo. I enjoyed it greatly, and every time each song played, I sang my heart out to God. “I will live, I will not die, the resurrection power of Christ…” I believe these words wholeheartedly. I will get into the mood of singing these songs and mean what the lyrics say, putting away the distractions in my head and my heart. Sometimes, God will speak to me though these songs. Take for example the song lyrics quoted just three sentences ago. There are weeks that I feel down or not spiritually satisfied. Perhaps I did not spend time with God, perhaps I was facing difficulty in my relationship with my family or perhaps I was spiritually attacked by the devil. But God will affirm that I am alive and well, and Christ is in me. The Christ that will give me strength. I felt uplifted just by listening to the melody or by reading the lyrics.
But this has become insufficient for me. I am not satisfied with my spiritual life just by singing those songs.

I want to sing songs that have a more concrete meaning. Not songs that just give me a spiritual boost. Not songs that just focus on my outlook of Christ. I want to sing songs that represent God’s character and the truth of the Bible, His Word. I want songs that not only affirm me, but also affirm His never-changing character. I also want the lyrics to explain why that is so. Prince of Peace. Son of God. God sent down His Son because He loves us. He died for us on the Cross. Perhaps a song like Nicole Mullen’s ‘Redeemer’ song. “I know my Redeemer lives…He lives to take away my shame”. Perhaps I want the words to be more descriptive of the story of Jesus Christ, rather than words that focuses on my emotions and needs.

I also prefer slower songs now. Songs that I can sing and take my time to absorb the meaning of the lyrics. Songs that make me feel at peace rather than excitable and pumped up.

Perhaps this reflects the stage of life I am in. I’ve searched and I’ve gained understanding in Christ. His character. God’s unfailing grace. And I want the songs that I sing reflect my updated understanding of God in me.