Each step I take, each trip I make, I feel that I'm closer to getting to know more about myself. I think one of life's essential questions is the question of "Who are you?" Essential question, and thus poses a level of difficulty to answer to.

I asked myself that question too, who am I. I see that this question can be answered in 2 parts: who I am as a person in relation to another object or person, and who am I as an individual.

I am a person of Chinese descent, a Singaporean who grew up in Penang, a place which has been developed for decades and has a mix of cultures, then came back to Singapore for university, grew up in a family which is relatively rich, born into a family whose parents are educated overseas but suffered a lot when they were young.

In addition to that, I am a Teochew by dialect group. However, I don't speak it. I speak English at home, learn English, Malay and Mandarin in school, speak Mandarin to my high school friends. I picked up Cantonese through watching Hong Kong drama series and speak Hokkien, a little of it, as every Penangites is supposed to know how to speak it.

I am also a person who has big dreams, treasure friends (I hope) and straightforward (at times too much so).

As such, I easily developed an identity crisis. Who am I, is a question I couldn't answer directly.
And thus one of the reasons for my trip to China.

Am I really as Cheeena as I think I am, since I went to a Chinese school? Am I more Cheena than Wan Xian, who's a Chinese-teacher-to-be, cus I went to a Chinese primary school and high school and she didn't? Or am I more westernised, influenced by media, home and friends?

While I was in China, I couldn't get used to seeing Han Yu (or Mandarin) everywhere. No signboards or barely any of them were in English. After 3 days, I craved to speak to someone in English. And thankfully I met Josh then.

The attitudes of the people there are different. Why doesn't the waitress smile while serving a dish? These people speak with a funny Mandarin accent. Do these people understand that I'm not from Wuhan, not even from China? I'm a foreigner, lao wai (老外), gai-jin (外人). I speak your language, and look like you, but I do not understand your culture.

I am conservative because I am a Chinese and a Christian. How true is that? I see couples doing eye-widening acts at the train station and beyond that just make me stop and stare. Even Josh was surprised at how open these Chinese were. What happened to the conservatism that my forefathers supposedly brought over to Southern Chna (南洋）? Or am I conservative because I grew up in a Muslim country?

Sidetracks:
(Yet again, I have to consider that China went through a harrowing period. 10 years of cultural revolution. It would be unfair for me to judge Chinese culture post-1976. I wish I could step back into time and find out for myself what Chinese culture was like before 1966, before the cultural revolution started.)

(I didn't manage to go back to where my father's father originate from. But I hope one day, I'll be able to visit that place, and maybe discover where my roots and values originate from :))

After my China trip, I had many knots of identity tied and untied. I acknowledge that I am a person of Chinese descent, a 华裔, or 华侨 if you consider that my maternal grandfather came from China. But there's where the similarities with China stops. I am free to adopt my own values, conservatism, piety, collectivism, as I want to. These values may have Chinese or Asian origins, but as a country, Malaysia and Singapore has formed its own identity in the process. Openness, individualism and a flat hierachy in the office may be Western values, but when I grow up, I adopted some aspects of their values too, and now have become what I want to believe in.

Admist all the clash of cultures and values, I realised that there is one important identification that I didn't place emphasis on. Identify myself as God's child. I may be a Chinese by descent, a Singaporean by passport. But all these identifications pale into comparison into knowing who I am in God's eyes. The Holy Spirit is within me, and I will have to acknowledge that daily, that He lives in me. ;)

Try asking yourself that question too, and see what you discover about yourself. ;)