I started of the day by going to college, thinking that I may have an alright day ahead. The day before, I slept at 11(quite early for me) coz I was tired I guess… didn’t touch my Bible either, which is a bad thing…
But slowly, as I drove to college, thoughts of loneliness came into my head… I thought of going to college to complain to Huihui or someone about how lonely I felt, but in the end, I hadn’t the courage to do so. The first class, Economics, was cancelled due to e lecturer’s emergency leave, leaving us with 1 hour break. Once I reached college, the first person I had to see was HIM. Why la… It is difficult to get him out of my mind or stop feeling anything towards Hun(ya, I still like to call you that, sounds more intimate), coz I see him virtually EVERYDAY.
Practically for all classes and breaks, I avoid seeing him. Even if he was standing right in front of me, or close to me, I would not wanna take even a glance at him. All the memories and feelings will flood back into my mind and heart, making it hard for me to get over him. Argh… I hate him for making me think about him all the time…
Anyway, before lunch, I asked whether I could have lunch with Huihui and her gang, coz I didn’t wanna have lunch with my usual gang, coz Hun and I mix with the same gang for lunch. I didn’t really feel in place with Huihui’s gang, but at least I avoided seeing Hun.
After all the classes ended, I felt lonelier than ever. I thought: where did all my close friends go to? In the first place, did I have any? I was just sitting in the cafeteria, with no one to talk to, flipping through my Maths textbook. Pathetic maybe. Anyway, in the end, Bao Xing came to talk to me for awhile, which was kinda a blessing to me, kinda helped me stop thinking about nonsensical stuff again.
I stayed on in college because of CF, and actually decided to leave at 4.30, coz Wai Che and Gwen were having a badminton competition at Wisma Pandu Puteri at 5. I notified Teddy before that, but I knew that he was disappointed. Anyway, I went for CF, and at 5, I was still there. Reason? I thought Teddy needed me more. He was totally frustrated, I could see why, and he could need the support. He didn’t really reprimand any of the CF committee members, but still, he has reached his maximum level of pressure and patience containment level. He would have burst sooner or later. I felt sorry for not helping out as much as I could in CF, and I will put more effort in helping him out in CF.
After the other members left, only Teddy, me and Swee Kit(a Fellowship of Evangelical Students helper, who comes to help out in CF) were left. Then Swee Kit started asking how Teddy and I were lately. Teddy couldn’t contain anymore, and started pouring out all his problems. His problem was not only of the CF, but of other things as well. He kinda ranted about everything, and if one word to describe his situation now, it would be frustrated. Swee Kit was really glad that he poured his feelings out, and I was too, though I didn’t say it out loud. It ain’t good keeping too much in you… it hurts too much. Then if one word was to describe how was I feeling, it would be loneliness… I said out what I felt lately too, and was glad that I could talk to Christians, becoz I don’t know why, I don’t seem to get along too well with the Christians in my church… they seem to be holier than me sometimes… it’s just my feelings la.
Anyway, I think I can speak for 3 of us that we were glad that feelings were poured out here… I felt better after Teddy poured out his feelings, coz I know I’m not the only one struggling with issues. I mean I know that everyone has issues, but we don’t pour out to each other our issues everytime, do we?
Teddy and I walked around the school for awhile after Swee Kit left. I was glad there was another listener besides Teddy. Anyway, Teddy and I walked to the hostel, just enjoying nature, and each others company. Walking back from there, I tasted how the juice of the leaves of certain plants were like… they were bitter! (Just a crazy thing to let my mind of stuff) haha, I was glad that Teddy was with me. He tasted the juice of the small red flowers which come in bunches which we’ll see everywhere with me too =) which were sweet anyway.
We talked about issues, shared our feelings… Teddy, I’m glad that you shared your feelings with me, and I’m glad that I found another one that I could pour out too =)
Conclusions were made… in every one time of your life, you would feel suicidal. I certainly went through a period were I wanted to kill myself, and hated myself. And I’m sure you did go through that period, or will go through that period too. Those ppl who actually attempted suicide are actually more courageous than me, coz I only thought about it. =)
And each of us would probably go through a period where break-ups occur, where we need to heal, need to cry for the lost. I’m going through that period now. Relationships are evil eh, Ted?
I may seem to have lots of friends, and mix around well, but how many are those who are there for me when I need them? I’m lucky to have found a number of them… Cher, I’m glad that you were and are always ‘kaypo’ about what was and is happening between me and Hun, at least I have someone to talk to about it… it prompted me to tell you my probs. Cheers to you being ‘kaypo’. =)
Teddy, I’m glad to have you as my ‘son’ too. You’re always there to ask how I am, always calling me ‘Mummy’, which makes me feel belonged. Don’t worry too much Ted, Remember Matthew 6:34. Sufficient is today’s worries, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.
I thank others too, including Hun, Kyloon, Jia Ren, Phooi Sin, my dear cousin, Huihui… who I know really care about me. Thanks for spending some time from time to time to ask me how I am… I really appreciate it, no matter how long we talk to each other everytime. Thanks to everyone else who cared about me too.

Thank God. =)